Their last night
by starryjen
Summary: Ray and Neela try to come to terms with the worst that life can throw at them poor summary but I'm useless at them. My first fan fiction for years, and my first ever ER one, be gentle!


'Guys, Thanks for coming to help us celebrate Neela's birthday. We're going to play a bit of a mixed set, some old stuff, some covers and a new song or two. Happy birthday, babe!' Ray announced into the microphone. A new song he wrote especially for her. Not that most of their other songs weren't written for her, in fact since he'd met her most of the material he'd written was about her..

An hour later, in the middle of singing Yesterday he looked up and she was no longer at the front of their group of friends dancing, where she had been all evening, he couldn't see her anywhere, he missed a string and forgot to sing, what was the point if she wasn't there. Brett appeared at his side, and in an aside whispered 'don't panic, she's at the bar' and he looked up and sure enough there she was smiling at him, blowing him a kiss and he picked the song up where he left off, but Neela, Brett and a few others saw the trail of tears that flowed from his eyes in the following minutes, not affecting his singing or playing but nonetheless there.

They played on, a set riddled with songs about not leaving, about hearts breaking. And the final song was a heart wrenching one called Tomorrow, about a world where tomorrow didn't exist if she wasn't there, a world he didn't want to live in if she wasn't with him.

He came off the stage, the band continuing without him, and she was waiting to him in her arms, 'that was wonderful, thank you' and kissed him softly on the lips. He hugged her frail body to him, slightly too tight as if trying to prevent her slipping away. After a few while she pulled away, 'I asked them to play us a slow song, so we could dance' she said as she pulled him on to the dance floor, where they swayed gently to the music, him with one hand on her waist, holding her close, the other caressing her hair whilst his lips brushed against her neck; her with one hand on his chest, one playing with the back of his t-shirt, and her lips playing havox with his heart. When the music became faster, she continued to dance and he moved to the bar to rehydrate after singing.

All the emotion he'd been feeling for the last month welled up inside him as he watched her moving to the music, her eyes so alive, her hair flowing in chocolaty brown sheets, as her body took on the beat. She was gorgeous, it was like she was an angel sent from above, and that thought sent all the feelings, the pain, the desperation inside him spiralling out of control and he found himself making his way to the back door, trying not to be rude, but not stopping to talk, he just needed to get some air.

She found him out there 'hey, are you okay?'

He couldn't turn to look at her 'I was watching you in there… you looked so happy, so alive… so full of life… but.. you're not.. are you? you're dying, and I couldn't bear to see you like that knowing that soon I won't be able even to do that, that I won't get to see that again, I know it doesn't make sense, I can't explain...' He continued to face the water trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to take over again.

'Ray… I'm sorry, if I could change any of this I would, you know that, but tonight's meant to be about the good times, making memories to get us through the bad stuff'

He turned to face her and his face was wet with tears, and his shoulders were quaking with barely repressed sobs 'I don't need memories, I need you'

'Oh Ray' she pulled him into her arms and stood there holding him, stroking his hair and his back, as the vicious sobs racked his body. They stood like that for a long time, until, as his breathing finally calming down, he pulled away slightly.

'Neela, I don't know how to say goodbye to you, I don't even know how to prepare to say goodbye to you, I'm so scared. You're my life, you've made me who I am, and I know that soon the day is going to come when I don't get to start the day with you in my arms, when I don't get to kiss you goodnight, and I don't know how I'm meant to get through that. And when the time comes, I know I should be letting you go peacefully, but I'm going to be begging you to stay a while longer, begging for an extra minute, another kiss, the time to sing you another song, more time to tell you I love you, and I know that no matter how long I have with you, its never going to be enough, its never going to be long enough. Because I don't know how to go on without you and that's why tonight it just got too much, and I couldn't breath. I'm sorry I've ruined the evening'

'You've not ruined it, tonight was, is, a magical evening for me, I'm here with my friends and you, where else would I want to be? But you, you are the person I want to be with forever, and its hurting me too, that we don't get to do that. I always imagined that we'd go in bed one night when we were 96, in each other's arms, just slip away, not like this.' The corners of his mouth raised in a slight smile. 'But Ray, I can't keep fighting this, everyday its getting harder, everyday the pain is getting worse, and I know that in a short time I'm going to have to say goodbye to you, but I also know that for me the pain will stop there, that I'll finally get to be at peace. And I hate that for you it'll just get harder, if I could take your pain with me, I would, I would do anything I could to stop you hurting like this...'

'Stay…'

'…but that's the one thing I can't do' his knees buckled and they collapsed to the deck, holding each other as if they could never let go, both knowing that sooner or later they would have to let go for good.

* * *

Abby watched the scene unfurl from the window, she couldn't understand what was happening, the couple that were so perfect for each other seemed to be falling apart. She'd noticed Ray's distraction during the set, she'd seen him searching out Neela with his eyes, and she'd seen the tears falling. She'd heard the words of the songs he was singing, and her heart was breaking for him. It was obvious to anyone paying the slightest bit of attention, that their marriage was crumbling, that Neela was leaving. She'd been aware of something going on for the last month or so, they were usually so affection with each other, teasing, laughing, playful, but over the last month that had changed, the looks they shared were more desperate, and if you caught the look on Ray's face when he was watching her when he didn't think anyone could see him, the sorrow and grief in those looks was enough to send you to your knees. Something, a month ago, had changed for this couple, who had been through so much to be together, something that was so strong and powerful that it appeared to be pulling them apart.

'I don't understand what's going on'

'What do you mean?' Luka murmured into her hair.

'Ray and Neela'

'Ummh, what about them?' he tried to distract her by pressing gentle kisses on her neck.

'Well, reading between the lines I would say that they're are having problems, and she's leaving, so why hasn't she just done it, why this prolonged ending, which is hurting them both so much. You can see its not his choice, just look at him, that's hardly the look of a man in love with a happy future planned, is it?' Luka lifted his head and looked in the direction she was gesturing. They watched as Neela and Ray, in a tight embrace, slowly slid to the ground.

'Are you sure that you're not reading too much into this? All couples have problems, you know that. Look at them, surely if she was leaving him they wouldn't be out there like that'

'I don't know, I think it's something more than that, I'm sure of it.'

Luka pulled her back on the dance floor 'Leave them be, they won't appreciate you interfering, come have some fun'

A while later she noticed Ray re-enter the room without Neela. She pulled away from Luka. 'I'm going to go and speak to her'

'Abby…' but he was too late, she'd already walked away.

* * *

'Neela, I don't know what's going on, you're one of my closest friends, but if you're going to continue to put Ray though this hell that you're dragging him through, I won't be able to say that for much longer. If you're going to leave him just do it. You're destroying him like this. Just walk away, leave us to pick up the pieces.'

'What…what the hell are you talking about?'

'I've seen all the signs, something's happened, something that's making you turn your back on the one guy who would do anything in the world for you, you guys were so good together, you went through so much to get here now, why are you throwing it …' she stopped when she saw the tears flowing down Neela's cheeks, '…honey, what's happened, what's so bad that its making you leave him?'

'Abby, if I it was within my power I would never leave Ray, you have to believe me, he's my life, but this isn't something I get a choice in, … some higher power doesn't think that Ray and I deserve to be together'

'Oh Neela, you don't believe in all that mumbo jumbo do…'

Neela cut in '… I'm dying Abby'

'Wh…What?'

'I'm dying… I'm not doing this intentionally to hurt him, I have no control over this, if there was anything I could do to be able to stay with him, I would, but its not possible. My body's shutting down, its had enough, I've had enough pain, but I'm trying so hard to hold on for him because he's not ready to let me go yet…' she broke down. Abby took her in her arms and held her, her own tears coursing down her face. How had she gotten it so wrong? All the looks, the tears, the desperation, they all made sense now.

'How long?'

She pulled away. 'I saw my consultant today, Ray doesn't know, I told him I was having my hair done, I couldn't tell him this today, not with all this planned. The tests showed that my organs are starting to fail…'

'How long?' she repeated.

'A couple of days at most, but he thinks we've still got weeks. You've seen him, how can I tell him that? He's not ready, I don't know if he ever will be, and I'm trying so hard to hold on for him, give him the time he needs but I can't manage much longer, and it hurts so much that I can't give him what he needs. Abby?' her voice hardened for a moment.

'Yes'

Neela reached down and picked up her bag, 'I've told him about this, but he doesn't hear the words, he can't hear the words. When the time comes, I don't want anything to be done, as much as I know it will hurt him, as much as I know he will want to do everything in the world to save me, I don't want it, any treatment will just prolong the inevitable, and I can't put him, or me through that' she handed Abby the envelope, with the letters DNR on the front. Do Not Resuscitate.

* * *

Luka caught Ray's arm as he walked past.

'I wouldn't go out there, Abby's on the war path about something, and she's gone to have it out with Neela'

'What?… no she can't do th… what about??'

'She thinks you and Neela might be having problems'

'No we're fine, we're great, in fact, we've never been better' his smile, his laugh were all too forced for Luka's liking.

'She thinks you're splitting up, that Neela's leaving, she said she was going to tell her she should just do it, stop prolonging it, and stop hurting you'

'What… I love Neela… more than anything… she can't be serious, surely she know's how we feel about each other… where is she?' he was panicking, unable to pull a coherent thought into his head, except for one, that Abby couldn't tell Neela to leave him, he wasn't ready, he needed more time.

'She's gone to speak to Neela'

'No…… she can't do that, she can't say that to her' and he was off, almost running to the deck hoping to stop Abby before she said too much, Luka following behind. He opened the door and he saw Abby holding Neela in her arms, and could hear the two of them crying. 'DON'T, don't tell her to leave me, you can't do that, you don't understand' he shouted as he moved quickly towards them '…you can't tell her to go, its too soon, its not time yet'

Abby moved away from Neela, and Ray took her place, enveloping Neela in his arms. 'I'm sorry that my interfering… Neela's explained everything, I'm sorry for not minding my own business… I just wanted you both to be happy… I don't know what I can do… if there's anything… you know where I am, I'm so sorry' She gently squeezed his should as she walked past and pulled Luka back inside as he shot her 'what's going on' looks.

* * *

The two of them stayed out there for hours, they were sitting on one of the loungers on the deck, Rays arms wrapped around Neela, who was curled up in his lap, they weren't talking, there was too much to say and the evening had already been full of painful words. They just needed this time together, to pretend that there was nothing more serious going on in there lifes than remembering to buy milk. Her head was resting against his shoulder, and his fingers were tangling in her hair, savouring the feel of it against his skin. This party was for her, for them to spend with their friends, but it was all too much, and the only person either wanted to be with was the other.

* * *

She reached up to stroke his cheek with her hand, and he suddenly realised how cold she was, it was a balmy summers evening, so he'd never thought that she could possibly be cold.

'Honey, why didn't you tell me you were this cold?' he couldn't help the fear that seeped into his voice.

'I hadn't noticed, you're keeping me warm and I was so comfortable' she said sleepily, snuggling her head closer to his body.

'I'm going to go and get a blanket or something for you, you shouldn't be this cold, its not right' He manoeuvred her off his lap, and back on to the seat as he stood up, leaning down to kiss her on the lips.

'Ray… I love you so much, you know that, don't you' she said pulling him back down for another kiss.

'Yeah Neela, I know that' He smiled at her.

'I just want you to be happy, promise me you'll be happy' tears filled her eyes, but she didn't let them spill over.

'I am happy, I'm happy when I'm with you' bending down to kiss her again 'Look, I'll be back in a minute, I'll just get a blanket and be right back, okay'

'Yeah'

'Neela… I love you too'

* * *

It took him longer than he thought it would to find a blanket for her, and as he walked back through the party, Abby stopped him.

'Ray I'm sorry for earlier, are you okay?'

'Yeah, I'm okay, she's getting cold so I was just getting a blanket and a drink for her'

'If you need anything…?'

'Thanks Abby'

As he opened the door back on to the deck, he knew instinctively that something was different, it was quieter than when he left, the atmosphere was different, it was as if he was alone out there. The blanket and glass slipped through his fingers as the fear worked through his body; he ran to where he left her. She was still curled up in the chair, her hair fanned out over the back, her eyes were shut, like she was sleeping, but her chest was no longer rising and falling with each breath.

'Neela… Neela, baby, wake up, its okay I've got the blanket, I'll get you warm soon' he felt for the pulse in her wrist, that was absent too.

'NO' his shout turned to a whisper 'No, not yet, not like this, please come back, its not time yet'

* * *

From inside the room, Abby heard his shout, her glass slipping through her fingers too. And she ran.

She found him holding Neela's limp body in his arms.

'Ray…' She laid a hand on his shoulder.

'Abby… help me… she's not breathing… need to try to get her back…' He quickly pulled her off the seat and started to administer CPR; with heart compressions, and his own breath he tried to bring her back to him.

'Ray… Ray… you've got to stop… she doesn't want this…' she realised he wasn't listening; it was like she wasn't there. She moved around him to Neela's bag, and pulled out the letter and tried to hand it to him 'Ray… honey… she's got a DNR order'

He ignored the letter, but pulled away to listen '…what?'

'She told me earlier, she showed it to me, she doesn't want to go through all of this again, she said she didn't want you to go through this again'

He was shaking his head, unable to understand what she was saying 'No, you've got it wrong, she wouldn't do that, she knows that I need more time…'

'Ray, she said that she'd told you about it already, but you wouldn't listen. She's had enough of the pain, she was ready to let go, but she was trying to hold on for you'

The tears that had been a feature of the evening, were once again flowing down his face as he looked in desolation at Neela 'I remember… I thought if I didn't listen… it wouldn't be true… baby, I'm so sorry… I didn't mean to do this… but the thing is… I'm… not… not ready yet' the sobs racked his body, as he pulled her body to him, pulling her closer, tighter to him, as if he held on tight enough he would never have to let go.

Abby turned and walked away, her own heart feeling heavy within her chest, her best friend had just died, but for him it was so much more than that, and she knew that he needed time to say his goodbyes in private, if it was ever really possible to say goodbye to the love of your life, the person you breathed and lived for, could you ever say goodbye to that.


End file.
